December 9, 2013 § 5 Comments
A quiet chatter, distant most times and at others a loud, echoing, deafening voice. Always present and seldom can it be hushed away, it fades on its own accord, in its own time. The lack of control on the volume dial only adds leaving me with fear that others will hear, will see what is so obvious to me.
So it is when the demon wakes from its sleep in distant corners of my mind. Angry that it is pulled from the terror of his fitful nightmares that provoke him when he is not with me, near me. It is this torment that he faces that he shares, angry no doubt that he is inflicted so and wishes only for others, or at least me, to suffer his same fate.
As I hear him coming I close my eyes tight, attempting to find sleep, distracting my thoughts to pleasant times and places but this only angers him and he starts to scream, screams that terrify me and fill me with angst. Sneering as I cower behind my dilapidated wall of confidence in the shadow of myself, beaten back and submitting to my lower esteem.
Victorious he slips back into the dark, to rest until his night terrors awake him again leaving me to rebuild the walls that now lay in ruin. Block by block as the murmur that comes from the corner as he tosses and turns, fitful. I replace each block, hope upon trust then belief until the wall of confidence stands, blocking skepticism and disdain for self and others.
For so long the blocks never place well or high enough, in the year past I admit my struggle and allow others to help to lift blocks, do some of the heavy lifting that builds a wall higher, stronger. It will squelch the noise and my defences strengthen until one day the chiding sounds will no longer be heard. A day that is nearer than yesterday, its time is soon.
November 21, 2013 § 14 Comments
Sometimes the mind pulls harder than reality and I find myself anxious and searching for a place to go to calm myself, a place to hold me secure as waves of irrational thoughts wash past. These moments come to me less often but they do arrive and when they do it is without invitation. Walking in the dark, driving through the day, in dreams as I sleep and while writing, there is no place I can hide. « Read the rest of this entry »
November 13, 2013 § 6 Comments
Months of audio books, lessons with words repeating to phrase, yet in this moment the voice was blurring together something unfamiliar in a melodic way. I was here, as far as I have ever travelled to a place. Unfamiliar except for one thing, that smile greeting with all its nonsensical words, a look that was genuine. In return my smile with eyes wide and mind blank. « Read the rest of this entry »
November 8, 2013 § 1 Comment
I am a dreamer, from a child until today, I have been and will always be. There are down days when all I see is black but I still dream (of days in Technicolor). Dreams of things seemingly unattainable and ordinary things.
I dream about doing and going, not having. I seed them with others experience, finding inspiration in stories of creations and achievement, big and small. « Read the rest of this entry »
October 30, 2013 § 8 Comments
It is my first and it feels amazing. It began great and each day gets better, better than the last and the one before that. Moments that redefine words that for so long held lack lustre meaning displaying with similar action. Past adventure in this life spotted with spikes of excitement that dwindle to mediocre, routine and as good as it gets.